Upward Over The Mountain.*

This last few weeks or so has given me time to reflect on how I see my life panning out. Do I keep to the same path of anxiety and all its manifestations? Or do I change?

In the past I have sought some form of help for my mental state, and although at the time the counselling I received did put the finger in the dam, it didn't shore it up.

I realise now that I wasn't ready to change completely at that time. The anxiety and depression was my anchor, my safe place. You can get so used to feeling a certain way, that change, even for the better is a scary thing. Adrenalin is a drug and as the anxious state I have been in pumps a bucket load of the stuff round my body, you kinda get addicted. The sessions of pyschotherapy and hypnotherapy that I have had recently have shown me that I check in with myself to see if I'm feeling anxious or not. It's not really a conscious act, but none the less, it is damaging. In the cold light of day it seems pretty silly that if your not feeling anxious, you should check to see if that anxiety is still there, thus making you anxious again.

Well, enough is enough. I am making a real effort not to do this. I have mentioned before that I am somewhat of a dweller. I have had a habit, which is all about feeling safe and anchoring myself down, to go over and over incidents in my head that have caused me upset. This is the first thing I'm trying to rectify. It's quite tiring because it means using a lot of distraction techniques. Luckily I have been off work for the last few weeks and have been able to put these into practice. I've been out a lot which is a help. It stops you even beginning 'the dwelling process' (great name for a band, that). If I am indoors and find myself thinking about stuff I shouldn't be thinking about I actually tell myself to stop thinking about them now. This is so much healthier than wallowing I can tell you.

I have also been set a number of targets by Holly (my psychotherapist). I am to give myself loads of positive affirmation to counteract low self-esteem. This is quite difficult, mainly because it feels so unnatural to me. I have bought a couple of hypnotherapy cd's that are helping me to do this. It means making time for myself every day to lie down, put some headphones on and do the exercises, but I think I'm starting to feel the benefits. No, scrub that. I AM starting to feel the benefits. There have been times this week when I haven't felt anxious at all and although this is quite an odd feeling, it is pretty damn good.

I still have some way to go. I have just started along the road to liking myself and accepting myself for who I am, but I'm finally ready to finish the journey now.

* Iron and Wine song taken from cd The Creek Drank The Cradle.