I Need Direction*
Well, yesterday was my second proper psychotherapy session and although no hypnotherapy was involved and I wasn't made to run round the office doing chicken impressions when someone said 'tea?', I did feel some benefit from it.
Yesterday was all about what my therapist Holly had picked up on the word association we had done last week. Needless to say, and as I had guessed, there were some key words amongst all the food, house, cat, dog etc. I surprised myself in being so candid about things. I am as you had no doubt guessed a fairly open person about what troubles me but I said some stuff about previous relationships that I had never mentioned to anybody before (not even Lady B, and she knows loads about me). I won't go into to much detail here, mainly because I'm still a little embarrased by it and also because it's not really the place to start chatting about such things. I am glad I said something though because my mind has been laid to rest a bit. I have been anxious about this particular problem for a while now and as a 40 year old bloke I thought I had good reason to worry. Holly has told me that I should chill out about it a bit (some clever people may have already worked out what IT is). It basically stems from my last relationship which wasn't the best 7 months I have ever spent and not to put to fine a point on it and being a bit more vulgar than Holly was,it is no wonder I'm a bit fucked up. The girl has a lot to answer for apparently.
This is good news cos I thought (and this is more than half my problem)it was all my fault. Obviously it does take two to tango and I should have stood up for myself and not allowed myself to be maniplulated and treated the way I was. My ex was a control freak who wanted and unfortunately got ALL her own way. From telling me not to wear a certain shirt (because she would be ashamed to be seen with me in it, it was a decent shirt by the way, she just didn't like it), to being told how to cook spaghetti (when I was doing it right and did not boil for half an hour like she did), to being told that I wasn't washing the dishes properly!!! There were lots of other things to that I won't go into but it is safe to say that it did my self esteem, which has never been brilliant, no good at all. Well at least I'm not bitter ;-)
We also talked a lot more about my childhood and how that has effected me too.
I have been aware of all this stuff myself for a long while but none the less it was heartening to hear it from a professional I think that somettimes you need to be told stuff about yourself by someone who doesn't really know you at all, which I suppose is a psychotherapists job.
We are going to do some work in the coming weeks to rebuild my confidence again. Holly is a great one for homework. I've got to continue making phone calls this week. God knows what she has planned later on. I hope I won't have to chat someone up in a pub because that is something that I have never done and I don't think I'll ever be ready for frankly.
*Copywright The Teenage Fanclub