Marmiteboy - Urbane Warrior.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

I Guess I'm Just A Little Too Sensitive.

I was hypnotised again on Tuesday as part of my psychotherapy session. I was asked to relax and picture a flight of ten stairs leading down to a door and was told that behind this door would be a room of some kind. I remember having trouble relaxing this time. My mind was really wandering for some reason, anyway I was told to picture myself at the top stair and that we were going to descend the stairs one by one very slowly. As Holly started counting me down the stairs I could feel myself falling into some kind of relaxation. It was a bit like whan you are falling in a dream and because of that, I found myself fighting it to begin with. Gradually though, I did relax and had the same kind of detatched (but fully aware of where I was) feeling that I had last time.

I was asked to enter the room and then describe what I saw. The room was light and airy with floor to ceiling glass doors along two walls. It looked out over a beach and the sea. This was a very vivid image. The room itself had a big bed and stripped pine flooring. I was asked to sit down and found a big bean bag that I made myself comfortable in. I was told that there was a box in front of me and to decribe that too. I saw a shoebox, the kind of shoebox that I got my Dunlop Green Flash in, it was all very clear to me.

I was told that in the box would be a memory that had caused me distress in the past and that I was going to address it. I opened the box and saw a picture of a young woman I once new and was extremely fond of. There had been an incident between us that I have never been able to understand. I won't go into details because it's all a bit complicated but needless to say that I was seriously smitten with this person and what happened really fucked me up because I never understood what had gone wrong between us. I hadn't had a relationship with her at all but nonetheless the way our friendship ended without much explainantion has dogged me ever since. I strongly believe that a lot of my current anxiety is because of this problem. I'm not saying it caused it but it was the straw that broke the camels back.

Anyway, I was asked to have a conversation with this person and to then explain why I thought what had happened had happened. Which I did. Afterwards I felt really good. I felt light and relaxed and refreshed. However, when I woke up on Wednesday I felt really shit again. I suppose all the emotions from that incident and how it had made me feel for months and months afterward, had been stirred up again.

I'm still not feeling very good today either so I'm off work again. I do know that I will have low periods whilst undergoing psychotherapy so I'm not particularly worried that there has been a reversal. I have to understnd that this is going to be a long process.


Blogger Charlesdawson said...

Thanks for sharing this experience. Inevitably when you start stirring up the past some nasties are going to poke their heads up and growl. You should tell your therapist about the aftermath of this session; I wonder if there are any coping strategies she can suggest for you to use between sessions on your own? Be worth asking.

4:43 pm

Blogger Gimpy Mumpy said...

Sounds exhausting MB. Hope your feeling a bit better now :)
I agree with CD that it would be worth asking your therapist if she has any usefull techniques for dealing with these feeling outside of the therapeutic environment.
Best of luck!

12:55 am

Blogger marmiteboy said...

Thanks folks,

There are aversion techniques that you can use in situations like this which mainly consist of doing something else with your time to take your mind off the anxiety.Unfortunately this is easier said and done at 4 o'clock in the morning when they kick in. I'm feeling a little less frazzled today so with any luck it is passing. What I need to do is cope with the emotions that have been brought up by this session. I know I will be able to cope with them. I'm sure about that but I also know that it would be far better to be able to knock them on the head before they tok a grip.

12:18 pm

Blogger Charlesdawson said...

As you live alone, I believe, would it not be possible, when the small hours-horribles start, to get up and watch a video or DVD or listen to music? try to give your brain something else to think about before the thoughts lock into a loop.

You're going to be shattered in the morning anyway, whether you stay in bed or not.

4:22 pm


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