Running Up That Hill.
Frank Spencer, the eternal optimist once said, "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better". How we laughed as the world around him was turned into chaos. We might all do well to follow his philosophy though. Frank was never down trodden. No matter what ill luck plagued him, he picked himself up and dusted himself down, and started all over again (Note to self. Write a song for a musical using these words later).
It has taken me a very long time to see that this approach is the best approach to life. To a man who the glass has always been half empty, it comes as a shock to suddenly realise that maybe, just maybe, the glass is actually half full. What has brought about this shift in my perception of life? No, not class A drugs, copious amounts of beer or too many orange Smarties. The hypnotherapy/psychotherapy I have had recently has been the main instigator in this turn around. In recent years when I have had some form of therapy, I have always held on the feeling of anxiety/depression and used it as some form of comfort blanket. I did this all unconsciously of course. I didn't have the self awareness to see that I was doing this. A combination of this being pointed out and me being ready to move on, has been a revelation. I still do hang on to my anxiety a bit, but the ties are getting weaker and weaker. I'm continuing with the therapy until I've broken them completely and they will never be able to return. It may still take a little while but I know I'm so much better than I have probably ever been. I'm posting this for one thing and in the past the thought of feeling well was so alien, that I know that I checked in with myself to ensure I was still feeling shit. I would have found it very difficult to admit to being alright.
My very good friend Debi told me on Thursday that she could see a change in me. My negative outlook was not there anymore. It was lovely to hear. I've felt a change in me, so it was nice to be told that others have noticed it too. Holly, told me too that the change in my physiology was markedly better since I first started receiving treatment from her. I don't look so drawn and tired, and although I still feel pretty tired I know that this won't last for ever.
The next step is to get off these anti-anxiety/depressants that I have been on since June 2004. I'll take it steady and consult the doctor on how to do this in a couple of weeks time because I want ensure that it isn't the meds that have brought about this change in me (although I'm pretty convinced it isn't). My increased tiredness is probably due to the meds not having a whole lot to do at the moment, so they have decided to make me tired as a punishment ;-)
For the first time in I don't know when, I actually feel positive about the future, whatever it brings. And that I can assure you feels pretty darn good.