Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards.
I'm getting fed up with the way I feel at the moment. I can't seem to get out of the rut I'm in. I'm feeling increasingly low and despondant about things. I'm anxious and so tired all the time (although the two things are probably connected) and although I'm doing loads of stuff and see my mates quite a bit I feel lonely and isolated which doesn't help.
I'm in a Catch-22 situation. I am definitely overdoing things at the moment. I'm going out a lot in the week to see gigs (which I do really enjoy) and at weekends I'm out shopping, spending far too much money just to make myself feel better. On the other hand my leg and hip are hurting a lot and I'm in a lot of pain. The trouble is if I sit about doing nothing start to dwell on stuff. I am a bloody brilliant dweller, even if say so myself. I could dwell for England, so I could. Finding a happy medium at the moment is proving to be beyond my ken. So really it's a choice between being fucked in the body or being fucked in the head and I'm choosing the body option at the moment just because it seems the better one in the short term.
Work is worrying me too. I really dread going in at the moment. This is mainly because I'm finding it almost impossible to concentrate. I have a fairly cerebal job, and not being the brightest person, especially in comparison to my colleagues, I find I really have to concentrate just to appear to keep up with them. I find stuff just isn't going in at the moment and I'm struggling. My understanding and analytical skills are all over the place and as a result my confidence is shot. This has definitely affected my performance. I can't take a long period off sick because I was off last year for nearly six months when the anxiety came back with avengence. I would go on half pay if I was off for any length of time and I just couldn't afford to be off. I've a mortgage to pay as well as all the other household stuff to deal with.
I'm at a bit of a loss as what to do. I keep hanging on in there thinking that things will just get better on there own but they don't seem to be really.
I keep telling myself that if I had a girlfriend everything would be fine and dandy and maybe it would. It might do my self-esteem some good. But as the old saying goes (well it's probably a new-aged saying actually)you have to love yourself before someone else can love you back. My last two relationships ended (one after nearly two years and one after 7 months) without me being told I was loved so my self-conscious and confidence are pretty much fucked up. If I was a talented songwriter I could be the new Morrisey ;-)
This is all stupid self-pity and it's very unattractive I know that and I really want it to stop, but it doesn't matter how many assertiveness courses you go on or self help books you read the only way in the end you can feel loved (I'm not talking about being loved by family and friends because that is different) is to actually be loved. I don't know why it is so important to me. Why the opinion of one other person who I care about means so much but it does. I've got friends both male and female who claim it doesn't bother them at all. They never say the 'L' word and don't want to hear it in return because to quote one male friend 'it puts you under an obligation if you say it'. I'm sorry I think that is bollocks. That's what it's all about isn't it? I was with a girl some 9 years ago and one day she said to me "Why don't you say you love me much anymore" to which I said "You've have never said it to me" to which she said "Well it's sounds so naff doesn't it". Work that one out, needless to say we weren't together for much longer.
Sorry, this is self indulgent and rambling and you've probably got bored by now with my pathetic self pitying. I'll now and going and do something useful.