Marmiteboy - Urbane Warrior.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards.

I'm getting fed up with the way I feel at the moment. I can't seem to get out of the rut I'm in. I'm feeling increasingly low and despondant about things. I'm anxious and so tired all the time (although the two things are probably connected) and although I'm doing loads of stuff and see my mates quite a bit I feel lonely and isolated which doesn't help.

I'm in a Catch-22 situation. I am definitely overdoing things at the moment. I'm going out a lot in the week to see gigs (which I do really enjoy) and at weekends I'm out shopping, spending far too much money just to make myself feel better. On the other hand my leg and hip are hurting a lot and I'm in a lot of pain. The trouble is if I sit about doing nothing start to dwell on stuff. I am a bloody brilliant dweller, even if say so myself. I could dwell for England, so I could. Finding a happy medium at the moment is proving to be beyond my ken. So really it's a choice between being fucked in the body or being fucked in the head and I'm choosing the body option at the moment just because it seems the better one in the short term.

Work is worrying me too. I really dread going in at the moment. This is mainly because I'm finding it almost impossible to concentrate. I have a fairly cerebal job, and not being the brightest person, especially in comparison to my colleagues, I find I really have to concentrate just to appear to keep up with them. I find stuff just isn't going in at the moment and I'm struggling. My understanding and analytical skills are all over the place and as a result my confidence is shot. This has definitely affected my performance. I can't take a long period off sick because I was off last year for nearly six months when the anxiety came back with avengence. I would go on half pay if I was off for any length of time and I just couldn't afford to be off. I've a mortgage to pay as well as all the other household stuff to deal with.

I'm at a bit of a loss as what to do. I keep hanging on in there thinking that things will just get better on there own but they don't seem to be really.

I keep telling myself that if I had a girlfriend everything would be fine and dandy and maybe it would. It might do my self-esteem some good. But as the old saying goes (well it's probably a new-aged saying actually)you have to love yourself before someone else can love you back. My last two relationships ended (one after nearly two years and one after 7 months) without me being told I was loved so my self-conscious and confidence are pretty much fucked up. If I was a talented songwriter I could be the new Morrisey ;-)

This is all stupid self-pity and it's very unattractive I know that and I really want it to stop, but it doesn't matter how many assertiveness courses you go on or self help books you read the only way in the end you can feel loved (I'm not talking about being loved by family and friends because that is different) is to actually be loved. I don't know why it is so important to me. Why the opinion of one other person who I care about means so much but it does. I've got friends both male and female who claim it doesn't bother them at all. They never say the 'L' word and don't want to hear it in return because to quote one male friend 'it puts you under an obligation if you say it'. I'm sorry I think that is bollocks. That's what it's all about isn't it? I was with a girl some 9 years ago and one day she said to me "Why don't you say you love me much anymore" to which I said "You've have never said it to me" to which she said "Well it's sounds so naff doesn't it". Work that one out, needless to say we weren't together for much longer.

Sorry, this is self indulgent and rambling and you've probably got bored by now with my pathetic self pitying. I'll now and going and do something useful.


Blogger The Goldfish said...

It is a bit of a cliché about needing to love yourself first; the truth is a bit more complicated than that. However your version is asking a great deal from another person; it leaves you wide open to exploitation and hurt at the hands of anyone who appeared to offer you love and it would also endanger any positive relationship that came along because you’d have such high expectations of it very early on.

I would also say that from the outside, it seems you are concentrating on one specific area, but it strikes me that you’re also doing a job that isn’t making you feel good about yourself. Your job is a huge part of your life and is something that you could actually do something about by yourself. Also, the cycle you’ve got into with your free-time; where you are perpetuating your fatigue and anxiety by working too hard to distract yourself from your fatigue and anxiety.

Strongly suggest you find some means of venting this stuff, whatever you do next. Your friends are here for you, but I strongly recommend you talk to your GP about some ‘talk therapy’. Someone else, who you can say everything to just as it is, may help you to put this stuff in a different order. It would also give you the opportunity to talk to someone without this self-consciousness you have about moping – since they’d be employed to hear you mope.

I also suggest that you consider learning some relaxation techniques – but do so knowing that it does take significant effort to get the hang of those things and significant discipline to put into practice. It is something people often say as if it is easy; it’s not, but it may well be a useful tool.

I think what your friend about the ‘L’ word says is bollocks too; if you can’t say how you feel when you feel something so powerful, how can you possibly talk about any other feelings you might have? However, AJ and I have got into a situation whereby if he is snoring in my ear, and I respond by kicking him in the shin and demanding he roll over or else be rolled over, he mutters, still asleep, “I love you, too.”

I am yet to decide whether this is very sweet or perhaps I have overdone my declarations…

6:54 pm

Blogger Gimpy Mumpy said...

MB, sorry to hear your still feeling a bit down and having problems with pain as well. I agree with what goldfish has said.
I'd also like to add that love has an uncanny way of finding you when you least expect it. So don't worry the right person will find you when the time is right. In the meantime perhaps you could find a hobby that is less stressful on your lower extremities? You seem to have a passion for music, have you tried experimenting with an instrument or if that is not an option perhaps a computer program. There's some great software out there for creating your own music, and we know your inner poet is just full of lyrics :)
By for now, chin up. Hope to find you here smiling tomorrow.

2:03 am

Blogger Katie said...

Hi Marmiteboy, I know how you are feeling as I feel the same about things! I could dwell for England too, and feel that I keep getting left behind things by friends, and not going out much. Singledom is not all it's cracked up to be!

11:26 am

Blogger marmiteboy said...

Thanks folks,

I've got a work medical referral and I'm going to have to be frank with them there. I am a bit concerned about the outcome but I know that my health and mental well being is far more than important than work at the moment.

12:07 pm

Blogger Gimpy Mumpy said...

Absolutely MB. I remember being in so much pain, but stubbornly trying to go to work, that I would repeatedly throw-up in my cubicle waste basket. It seemed soooo important to keep my job at the time, and not only keep it but really do well and have a good attendance record. Well, my priorities took a definite shift later on and I can honestly tell you that looking back that 'oh so important job' was crap, the people were crap, the stress was crap and the best thing that ever happened to me was my health deteriorating to the point where I was forced to face that truth.
Hmmmmm, well after lots of uses of the word 'crap' my meaning is just that a job is never worth your sanity, your happiness. Listen to your body. Listen to your heart and mind. If they need a break then try to accept that it's time for a bit of vacation and don't feel guilty if you need to honestly fill out forms to be reimbursed for this time. Also, don't downplay how bad off you are on the forms. I did that at first (was afraid I'd lose that crap job if I told them how bad I had become) and it hurt my case for benefits later.
Best of luck MB. Try to think of something fun to do while you have the time off :)

2:24 pm

Blogger Charlesdawson said...

It seems to me that you are neither self-pitying nor self-deluding. You are ill and you need help.

For the first point, if you are in chronic pain, of course you will be tired, stressed, not concentrating, sleep disturbed. You need help with that. Is the TNS not working?

Second, the panic and anxiety and obsessive thoughts are probably all interlinked with depression. This is not to label you, at all: it means you have a physical illness that is affecting your mood and your ability to cope. If you are already on psychotropic drugs, they are not working right.

Hope the medic you are referred to will help. Meanwhile Please, Marmite, get on to your GP about your pain control and your depression.

2:32 pm

Blogger marmiteboy said...

Thanks again for your posts. I am om new anti-anxiety meds. I have been taking them for about 10 days or so. I was told they take about a month before they kick in properly so I'll hold off going back to the quack just yet.

The TENS does help after a fashion. It certainly does ease the intensity of the pain when it's on. At the moment I've an old problem reoccuring in my ankle which is affecting my mobility. I think it maybe due to the sudden drop in temperature and the fact that I am doing toomuch galavanting at the moment.

If these meds don't start to work I will go back to the doctors again. It's been two months now since I last felt a calm feeling. The last lot of new meds didn't work which is why I'm on these tabs.

Thanks again. I really do appreciate you all.

6:32 pm

Blogger w1ld child said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling so rough. I know where you're coming from with the catch 22, I've been out spending loads of money to help make myself feel better recently as well, kinda helps until the bills come in (eek!) What I really want at the moment apart from a drum kit, is some sheet music, old skool rock and punk (I'm almost word perfect on the Spanish bits in Spanish Bombs and Should I stay or should I go)

4:14 pm


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