Marmiteboy - Urbane Warrior.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Reasons To Be Cheerful (Not).

I'm always seeing lists of favourite, most popular, biggest selling things on the telly, in magazines, books and on the internet. I'm a right one for the list myself. In the next month or so no doubt I'll be posting my favourite records of the year. However in the interests of nothing in particular I've drawn up a list of things that I don't particular like. Some of them I'd even admit to hating. None are Earth shattering or important. Remember kids, this is just a bit of fun.

1. Carrots - In my view carrots are the food of the devil. It is unnatural to have orange things on your plate. I really, really hate boiled carrots. Please, if I ever come to dinner(and I hope to one day *wink*) don't put carrots on my plate. I would have to take them off before eating and that might be embarrasing.

2. Shop Assistants Who Talk To Their Mates While They Are Serving - It seems to happen everywhere these days. And it is the height of bad manners. I used towork in a contact centre, imagine the outcry if when someone phoned I asked them to hold on while I finished my conversation about what went on in Eastenders last night.

3. Drivers Who Don't Indicate - Another popular pastime. When approaching a roundabout or junction INDICATE!! This is not only good practice but lets other road users know what the fuck you are doing.

4. People Who Talk At Gigs - Those gig goers amongst us (Nic, Stella you'll know what I mean) will despair of those people who think it is okay to carry on a converstaion with there mates during a performance and because gigs usually involve loud music, shout over the top of it in order to be heard. Here is a tip. If you do wish to discuss the latest news with your companion then please FUCK OFF TO THE BAR AND DO IT!. Don't stand benhind me or Nic or Stella (if you happen to be in Melbourne for the day). A batey crip is a dangerous crip, remember that.

5. Burberry - Horrid check stuff that should only be worn by rich country types when they are out slaughtering defenceless animals in the name of sport. It is not meant to be a fashion accessory.

6. ITV - Is there anything worth watching on ITV? No thought not.

7. My PC - Bloody bastard thing. It takes two goes to boot up and two goes to get online which is the equivilent of about twenty minutes. Then it is so slow I can't download pictures to my blog with it and have to use another PC if I want to adorn any entry. It kicks me off line about twice a session and I cannot use it to download music, videos etc. I need a new one.

8. Liver - I like most foods. Give me hearts, kidneys or even tripe and I'm a happy boy. Lambs or calves liver (chicken liver is yummy) makes me heave though. So if you don't want Marmiteboy for dinner liver and carrots is what you'll have to serve.

9. The Lighthouse Family - Could they be the shitest band of all time? Are they worse than Dido, Katie Melua, Keane, Coldplay and James Blunt? Yes they are.

10. Celebrity Professional Scousers - Having lived on Merseyside in my late twenties and early thirties I find nothing more offensive than this particular species of the human race. Most Liverpudians I have met have been warm, friendly, humourous and kind. However when it comes to the kind of scouser that you get on tv be it Craig wot won Big Brother, to Tarby and Cilla I get really pissed off with the professional scouser. I remember seeing the very first episode of Big Brother where Craig introduced himself by saying 'I'm a scouser so obviouly I'll make evryone laugh'. Wrong!! Why do professional scousers believe that they are funnier than everyone else? And another thing, why does 'Our Cilla' as she calls herself, keep asking her fellow scousers to 'Give my love to the 'pool' when she never bloody goes there. She is safely tucked up in Sunningdale with Tarby and another showbiz types and never sets foot in the place. She can't love it that much can she? I've heard that she wouldn't be welcome much anyway. No one hates a professional scouser as much as a real one does.

As an extra here is a quote that I read today and rather liked.

On being asked if he had missed out on anything by being disabled the great Ian Dury replied "...Naaah...I missed a couple of buses though..." We miss you Ian.


Blogger Katie said...

Great post Marmiteboy! You didn't by any chance take this from the good Lady B's blog did you? That's what she was talking about what she hated about people who were with her buses.

I promise not to give you carrots and liver for tea if you ever visit WGC!

10:22 pm

Blogger stella said...

Don't even get me started on people who talk at gigs! At by far the majority of Lucksmiths gigs i've been to, there are these two girls who come along, perch themselves ON the stage with their BACKS TO THE BAND!! If they're not yapping at each other, they're texting or talking loudly on their mobile phones. My friend Lara was once so overcome with our joint indignation that she purposely stood on one of their feet (which was of course pointed to the BACK of the venue). I have to stop speaking about those two idiots right now or i'm going to have to google 'anger management courses inner melbourne'.

Oh and my dear man, have you ever stoped to think that it's what you're DOING to the carrots? My nanna insists on boiling her vegetables (she clearly has never heard of a steamer) and they always taste terrible. Dude, pretty much anything tastes bad if you cook the crap out of it! Perhaps I'll have to add "cook carrots for Marmite" to my "things to do when i get to the UK" list. Fuck Big Ben and the palace, your kitchen will be my first stop!

3:26 am

Blogger marmiteboy said...

Hi Stell,

We'll team up and irradicate everyone who talks at gigs forever. We will become heroes and our names will go down in history. Music fans and bands will have tee-shirts made with our image upon them and we will give lectures on how to shut up the chattering classes.

I don't mind the odd roasted carrot now and again and I can take them in stews it's just the boiled ones I can't handle. I do own a steamer actually. I can turn my hand to most things. I do a wicked spaghetti bolognese and my stir fry has been spoken about too. It's watching all those Kylie Kwong programmes on the food channel that's done it.
I'll be sure to invite you to dinner.

10:05 am

Blogger Charlesdawson said...

When I was first learning how to deal with the public, we were taught that you always acknowledged someone's presence even if you were on the phone or the computer or up to your neck - you always smiled or nodded or said "be with you in a moment." Given that, most people are happy to wait.

Nowadays the idea seems to be, how long can they ignore you before you'll walk out. Or put an axe through the counter (in my dreams!)

And then shop assistants/receptionists/ etc wonder why they get abuse.

Oh, and I'd also like to get after middleaged couples who behave in multiplex cinemas as if they were in their own front rooms watching TV. Eating noisy treats, slurping drinks, wriggling around, and discussing where they've seen that character before?

10:32 am

Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Lady Bracknell was at one stage stalked round the theatres of the North West by an elderly and VERY deaf gentleman, and his ever-so-helpful wife, who would repeat all the stage dialogue to him at a decibel level only slightly lower than that of the average pneumatic drill.

This was not conducive to a relaxed and enjoyable evening at the theatre for anybody else....

3:43 pm

Blogger pete said...

Nnnnnnnyeh Whats Up Doc? Wabbits Honour no carrots for you!

Tried phoning - will phone @ weekend.

7:12 pm


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