You're Not A Proper Bloke.....
Thus were the words of Lady Bracknell's secretary companion during a conversation I had with her on the telephone on Sunday night.
The problem is she's right. I fear I'm not a proper bloke. These immortal words sprung forth from her learned lips during a discussion on how I was doing with Lady B's Guide to Flirting. Now I admit that I am trying to put it to good use and I have spoken to random people, real live random people quite a bit. Only last night I had a brief converstaion with a young women at a booking reading/signing event in Chelmsford. Whether it is officially classed as flirting or not is open to interpretation, but I did speak to her rather than shyly stand there like a twat.
Lady B's Secretary Companion (henceforth known as LBSC for brevity) pointed out that my inability to be a lad and 'chat birds up' (that's not exactly what she said but I read between the lines) was a sign of my non blokeness. I'm sure some of my non bloke attributes has a lot to do with lack of self esteem blah, blah, blah, but it did get me thinking. I decided to look at the evidence of my non-blokeness.
Marmiteboy's Non Blokenes Evidence.
1. I'm totally rubbish at DIY, so rubbish in fact that I have no interest in it whatsoever.
2. I know fuck-all about how cars work. I can fill it up with petrol and that's it. I have never changed a wheel. Ever. What's the AA for anyway?
3. I'd rather have a cup of tea and a ginger nut than ten pints of lager and a kebab.
4. I have never fancied Pamela Anderson, Jordan, Carman Electra or Page Three girls. I'm a committed Girl Next Door (GND) man. Glamour models are NOT sexy!!
5. I have over 20 pairs of footwear. (Surely a clincher).
6. I like, no make that love, shopping. Even at supermarkets.
7. I can colour co-ordinate my clothes without female intervention.
8. I'm afraid of spiders.
9. And creepy crawlies.
10. I have never chatted up a woman in a pub. (or any where else for that matter).
11. I do not understand the male wish to indulge in contact sports. Contact sports hurt. Watching doesn't.
12. I don't know, nor do I care, how things work.
13. I do lunch.
14. I prefer the company of women to men.
15. My favourite tv station is UK TV Food.
16. I cry at happy bits in films. Especially when the boy gets the girl.
17. I have never had a fight, not even at school. I run away from fights.
18. I like going to IKEA. (You get really good cheap candles there for a start).
19 I'm a bugger for "buy two get one free" offers in Sainsbury's.
20. I have never had 'the flu'. I have colds, not that mystery illness that lasts 24-hours that blokes get in the winter.
Well that's the evidence. Full and comprehensive. If I was as clever as The Goldfish I would insert voting buttons at this point and you could vote on if you thought I was a bloke or not. One button would say 'You're a bloke' and one would say 'You're a non-bloke' and I could publish the results. I'm not as clever as Goldfish though. And I haven't the patience to learn how to do it. Maybe I might just be a bloke after all.