Tired and Sleepy
I'm so tired at the moment and it's getting me down. I am, as some of my friends would attest, my own worst enemy. Being a crip is tiring work. I'm in pain all the time which is wearing and I use up more energy getting about. The thing is though I have no capacity to relax. I've no idea how to do it.
Over the last 18 months or so I have been treated for depression and anxiety, which on it's own is enough to flake you out, the problem I have is if I'm resting I tend to start dwelling on the stuff which made me feel so shit in the first place, it's all a bit Catch-22. As a result of this I tend to overdo it somewhat. It helps me not to feel sorry for myself,. granted, but it ain't half bloody knackering.
This is the first weekend in ages that I don't have anything to do, but instead of sitting at home watching dvd's and doing nowt I'm off out later to buy flooring for the kitchen and tomorrow I'm off to IKEA to buy cd storage. I really shouldn't be doing either of these things. I need to rest up. My leg and hip are hurting like a bastard and I find myself fighting to stay awake in the afternoons at the moment. I actually dropped off on the train yesterday, only for ten minutes, but I've never done this sober.
I get home from work and find I really need a kip, which is fine, it's my body telling me to rest, but then I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back off and end up knackered again. It may well be down to pain medication of course and I intend to go down the quacks and talk to him about it. Or it be down to the anti-depressants, they are meant to slow you down a bit, but just lately, although not feeling depressed, I am feeling more anxious than I have done for a while. Maybe it's time for a change in mad drugs!!
Still I do make time for myself to read in the evening and stay away from the box so I suppose that is a form of relaxing in itself.
On to other things.
Just in case she hasn't mentioned it on her blog (she may have done I haven't looked today) our Turtle was 21 on Wednesday. Happy Birthday Nic. xx Go visit Turtle's Page of Joy and wish her happy birthday.
Wot I have been mostly listening too of late;
Martha Wainwright Martha Wainwright
El Corazon Steve Earle
You're a woman, I'm a machine Death From Above 1979
Modulate Bob Mould
Body of Song Bob Mould
Nocturama Nick Cave and the Badseeds
Post to Wire Richmond Fontaine
Gemstones Adam Green
Surfer Rosa The Pixies
Alligator The National
Either/Or Elliot Smith
Arcade Fire Arcade Fire
I do heartily recommend the Martha Wainwright cd. It's bloody fab, so it is.
posted by marmiteboy at 12:06 am
9 Comments:
MB, not sure if you play or have played video/pc games but I find that this is a happy compromise between my body and my brain. The game keeps my mind active (no dwelling on stressful things) and distracted from pain, while my body gets to be in a comfortable resting position for a bit.
If you want something to become completely absorbed in I recommend the Elder Scrolls: Morrowind game. I had 2 full notebooks of notes by the end of the game, very engaging. Reality? What's that? Ah, what a good fealing :)
2:01 pm
you want the first Adam Green album!
ahem this is where i say i'll copy it you and then forget
11:08 pm
I have found myself in a similar position before. In a way, it's a good sign; when your mood stops you going out and doing stuff, that's when you're really in trouble. However, danger is you get to a stage when your physical condition stops you going out and you wind up stuck at home alone with your demons...
The secret is in finding activities which are engaging, give you a good reward but take little energy. Personally, creative stuff does this for me more than anything else.
The biggest thing I achieved during one such period of depression-frustration was learning to play the guitar (such that I can actually play the guitar). I was very ill but spending the day moving from one activity to another and another, none of which I was achieving anything with, some of which I was actually doing more harm than good with.
Then I decided to teach myself to play the guitar. When you start off, your fingers hurt very quickly so I could only do a few minutes every day, but since I did it every day I made progress fast and this progress was a really good feeling. I managed Stairway To Heaven within about two months...
So if you don't have an instrument that may be somewhere to start and if you have, how about learning a new one? Uh... bit difficult in the early hours of course, but hey.
Also, try to maintain a social life but move it indoors. Have people come round for a pizza or something (i.e food which is no trouble to prepare and clear up after) instead of going out to the pub or wherever you go. When you are very tired all the time it is often difficult to spend quality time with your kith and kin and yet this is very important.
Another thing to consider about your anti-depressants is when you take them. Whatever sort they are, they are likely to have some effect on your circadium rhythm and everybody is different with this stuff. It may be worth considering when you are taking this in relation to when you are going to sleep and try taking it a different time. Similarly with the pain meds - most of them are narcotic, after all.
Anyway, hope you manage to chill out and feel a bit better soon. :-)
Bloody hell, this is a lengthy comment!
12:06 am
Hi Marmiteboy, I know how you feel, that pain must be hard to live with, I know how you feel on that score, I get pain all the time in my muscles and sometimes I feel as if I have to sleep it off!
Tomorrow I might brave the outdoors to do some food shopping, and ignore all the pain to do it!
I didn't know turtle was 21 on Weds, she didn't put it in her blog though!
1:01 am
If you were already feeling anxious, I'm VERY concerned that you may not have survived the trip to IKEA. The very thought of the place is enough to ignite panic in the calmest of people.
Inhale.... exhale.... inhale.... exhale....
I do hope you're in one piece Marmiteboy!!
12:54 am
Thanks folks, you're all very kind.
I am going to go to the quacks sonn enough.I probably have outstayed my welcome on the lovely Citalopram and either need to weed myself off them or get something new.
Turtle, are you talking about the Adam Green album with the white cover like the Moldy Peaches album?
If so yeas please, I have the other two if you want 'em.
12:54 pm
Oh, i thought his first one was Friends of Mine, the yellow one with Jessica on it
"Jessica Simpson, where has your love gone? it's not in your music, no"
nevermind :-) what's his actual first one called?
5:05 pm
Young Master Marmite is clearly too diffident to point out that he is hamfisted to a quite ludicrous degree, and is unlikely to master any activity which requires both hands. (He cannot, for example, crack an egg, so Lady Bracknell suspects that tapestry may be outwith his dexterity skills.)
Lady Bracknell is, of course, only posting this comment so that her portrait will appear on her young friend's blog.
6:54 pm
How are you Marmiteboy, Hope you are well, I'm doing it too like Lady Bracknell so to make my lovely little picture of my home town Welwyn Garden City to pop itself up!
Check my Blog if you want to!
1:42 am
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