Marmiteboy - Urbane Warrior.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I Ain't Never Done That!!

I turned 42 yesterday and while I lay in bed contemplating my onward push to middle-age,I started thinking about all the things I haven't done. I suppose this is a time of life when you are prone to looking back and ruminating on past acheivements and lost chances. However, the following list is not about missed opportunities, but more about conscious decisions not to do things that others enjoy doing. So, for the record, I have never...

  1. Seen E.T. - I have never had the desire to see this film, nor, shall I ever go out of my way to see it. It has almost become a tallismen now and if I were to see it I would be cast into the pits of Hell. Luckily the story of an alien who rides flying bikes and who phones home holds no interest.
  2. Read Lord Of The Rings. - Lady Bracknell's Editor and Lily may be huge fans of the rambling opus about having a bit of a walk about before throwing a ring in a firery pit and they may both consider me a Phillistine for not liking it. However, after struggling with The Hobbit (with which I was bored stiff), I'm buggered if I'm going to read it's bigger brother. And I know the language is supposed to be beautiful but I haven't got inclination to read 40 pages of a book where nothing happens.
  3. Smoked A Pipe. - I already have a pair of slippers, so already have half of the middle-aged mans equipment. I don't fancy stick a pipe in me gob though.
  4. Played In A Proper Football Match. - I watch football, both live and on the television (although my interest is on the wane) but I have never kicked a ball in anger. I wasn't good enough to play football for any school team and now, even if I was fit enough, I don't think I could be arsed. To much running about.
  5. Seen A Complete Episode Of Friends. - I have never understood the attraction of this programme. I know it is popular and it has made international stars of its cast, but I just don't get it. I have tried to watch it on a number of occasions but can't get further than 5 minutes in and have never found it remotely funny. And anyway how does someone who is a waitress in a coffee bar afford to live in a Manhatten apartment that would retail for over a million dollars? Load of old bollocks, so it is.
  6. Laughed At Jim Davidson. - I was once accused of pretending not to like Jim Davidson so as to appear elitist. Now I don't know about you, but I find him to be a racist, homophobic, disabilist arsehole and my justifcation for not liking him is he isn't funny, has never been funny and that he will never be funny. Oh and that he is a twat too.
  7. Voted Conservative. - I can never envisage a time when I will either.
  8. Participated In Karaoke. - I can sort of undertsnad who someone with a decent voice might want to stand up in front of a bunch of people and belt out 'Angels'. But why do tone deaf people who sing like a strangled cat enjoy it? I know I'm a miserable old sod these days but it beats me why this is considered entertainment.
  9. Been To Harrods. - What is it about Harrods? Why does it have such cudos? The amount of people you see walking about London clutching their little green Harrods plastic bag is amazing. You can get anything in Harrods apparently, but you can get everything at loads of others shops too. Is it some kind of Middle England snobbery surrounding the place?There is probably a fair amount of inverted snobbery on my part regarding Harrods. I resist going there because we are constantly bombarded with how great it is. If I did ever go I'd take a Woolworths bag with me and put my purchases in that.
  10. Ridden A Horse. - I really don't like horses. Big tramplely buggers they are. I admit to being a bit scared of our equine friends and have no plans to hop up on one and have a canter.


Blogger BloggingMone said...

First of all: Happy Birthday!
I am just one year and three month ahead of you. Now let me see if I can agree to your list.
I have seen E.T..Nice movie. Period.
Lord of the Rings: agreed! The Hobbit was boring and the rest of it even more so.
I have smoked a pipe once. It was disgusting.
I have never played in a proper football match as well, but I would have loved to. I was told back then that it wasn't a girl's thing. I wasn't very much into girls' things and played street football instead. Luckliy in our street there were more boys than girls.
Friends: Agreed!
Jim Davidson: no idea, who he is.
Vote conservative? Never!!
Karaoke is a nightmare. Out of the many possibilities to make a complete fool of oneself this is the last option I would go for.
Well, I have been to Harrods, but blame it on the fact that I was a tourist in London and took it as a sightseeing attraction. I was very impressed that they actually sell Steinway grand pianos.
Horses are nice. They expect you to be calm and friendly - that's all. And they are great listeners.

9:11 am

Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

You are a Philistine.

Still, at least Lily's inducted you into Pratchett.

Which is more than I ever managed to do.

9:12 pm

Blogger The Goldfish said...

Happy belated Birthday!

I am still on page 872 of LotR. The first bit was quite good, but then they were kind of wandering about, talking endlessly about what they were having for dinner. I had a similar problem at about the same stage of War and Peace

I've probably watched a full episode of Friends, but if I did, the experience was completely forgettable.

I haven't smoked a pipe, laughed at Jim Davidson, voted Conservative, participated in Kareoke or been to Harrods. Nor do I intend to - although as Bloggingmone says, Harrods is a kind of place I would be curious to look in as a tourist in London. Just to see what it's all about, kind of thing.

10:24 pm

Blogger marmiteboy said...


Well I've read a couple of Pratchett books but I wouldn't say I was a fan. It's not really my genre of choice.

Give me a good murder any day.


7:27 am

Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Just so long as it's a British murder, eh...? ;-)

8:55 pm

Blogger E F RICE said...

You have also never met Dr Alice Roberts from Coast, but we can all dream eh Marmite .......

8:56 pm

Blogger Stella said...

Happy belated birthday Marmite!

I read the first 50 pages of The Hobbit 3 times and still couldn't get interested. As a result, I've never read Lord of the Rings either. Or smoked a pipe. Or voted conservative. I LOVE Karaoke though! Here in Melbourne, the only accessible place I've found for Karaoke has those little rooms, so you can just sing with your friends. The rooms have signs, translated from Korean, reading "Customers are liable for damage and vomiting in their rooms". Hmmm... classy establishment!

You kind of make me want to blog again. :)

6:51 am

Blogger marmiteboy said...


I admit to having once said that I prefer British dectective novels but I have since discovered Michael Connelly and JD Robb which I number amongst my favourites now.


Ah Dr Alice (swoon) and Esther Hall (BT Lady). I think we have already agreed to a fightto the death over both of them. As long as Lily and Nicky don't find out eh? ;-)


Please start blogging again. We miss you. More diatribes against Steve Irwin please!!



7:50 am

Blogger seahorse said...

Very very belated happy birthday. Been away.
I have seen ET three times and read LOTR and the Hobbit, but I was too young and now I can't remember what on earth they were on about.
I have smoked a pipe. I liked it.
Football. Got to be kidding. Saw a match once, and one of the players broke his leg beneath our stand. I heard it crack, the bone poked out and it was very nasty.
I tried Friends but never made it through any of the episodes I gritted my teeth at.
I won a Karaoke competition. Kate Bush. Wuthering Heights. Shudder.
Jim Davidson. Nuf said.
Tories. Never.
Harrods. Been there. Very dull. Harvey Nics has a nice restaurant. Selfridges was my fave, although I now don't give a stuff about shopping.
Horse riding wasn't for me. We didn't bond.

11:51 pm


Post a Comment

<< Home