I Ain't Never Done That!!

I turned 42 yesterday and while I lay in bed contemplating my onward push to middle-age,I started thinking about all the things I haven't done. I suppose this is a time of life when you are prone to looking back and ruminating on past acheivements and lost chances. However, the following list is not about missed opportunities, but more about conscious decisions not to do things that others enjoy doing. So, for the record, I have never...

1. Seen E.T. - I have never had the desire to see this film, nor, shall I ever go out of my way to see it. It has almost become a tallismen now and if I were to see it I would be cast into the pits of Hell. Luckily the story of an alien who rides flying bikes and who phones home holds no interest.
2. Read Lord Of The Rings. - Lady Bracknell's Editor and Lily may be huge fans of the rambling opus about having a bit of a walk about before throwing a ring in a firery pit and they may both consider me a Phillistine for not liking it. However, after struggling with The Hobbit (with which I was bored stiff), I'm buggered if I'm going to read it's bigger brother. And I know the language is supposed to be beautiful but I haven't got inclination to read 40 pages of a book where nothing happens.
3. Smoked A Pipe. - I already have a pair of slippers, so already have half of the middle-aged mans equipment. I don't fancy stick a pipe in me gob though.
4. Played In A Proper Football Match. - I watch football, both live and on the television (although my interest is on the wane) but I have never kicked a ball in anger. I wasn't good enough to play football for any school team and now, even if I was fit enough, I don't think I could be arsed. To much running about.
5. Seen A Complete Episode Of Friends. - I have never understood the attraction of this programme. I know it is popular and it has made international stars of its cast, but I just don't get it. I have tried to watch it on a number of occasions but can't get further than 5 minutes in and have never found it remotely funny. And anyway how does someone who is a waitress in a coffee bar afford to live in a Manhatten apartment that would retail for over a million dollars? Load of old bollocks, so it is.
6. Laughed At Jim Davidson. - I was once accused of pretending not to like Jim Davidson so as to appear elitist. Now I don't know about you, but I find him to be a racist, homophobic, disabilist arsehole and my justifcation for not liking him is he isn't funny, has never been funny and that he will never be funny. Oh and that he is a twat too.
7. Voted Conservative. - I can never envisage a time when I will either.
8. Participated In Karaoke. - I can sort of undertsnad who someone with a decent voice might want to stand up in front of a bunch of people and belt out 'Angels'. But why do tone deaf people who sing like a strangled cat enjoy it? I know I'm a miserable old sod these days but it beats me why this is considered entertainment.
9. Been To Harrods. - What is it about Harrods? Why does it have such cudos? The amount of people you see walking about London clutching their little green Harrods plastic bag is amazing. You can get anything in Harrods apparently, but you can get everything at loads of others shops too. Is it some kind of Middle England snobbery surrounding the place?There is probably a fair amount of inverted snobbery on my part regarding Harrods. I resist going there because we are constantly bombarded with how great it is. If I did ever go I'd take a Woolworths bag with me and put my purchases in that.
10. Ridden A Horse. - I really don't like horses. Big tramplely buggers they are. I admit to being a bit scared of our equine friends and have no plans to hop up on one and have a canter.